Yes . . . and no. Guidelines for sorting out a complicated question.
Dr. Juli Slattery
Because my job is to talk to women about sex, there are few questions that I haven't heard and haven't answered. However, there is one common question that I don't like to answer. It involves the "M" word—masturbation.
One of the reasons I dread this question is because there is no clear answer. I could take the easy road and just say, "If in doubt, don't do it." The fact is that many Christian women masturbate and feel horribly guilty about it. I've met women who feel more shame about masturbation than they do about having an adulterous affair. Yet the Bible is silent on the issue of masturbation and says a whole lot about adultery.
Masturbation is a complicated issue that doesn't lend to a clear black and white answer. I want to be realistic about the struggle without giving freedom that God perhaps hasn't given.
Let's start with the basics
At a purely biological level, masturbation isn't that much different than other things we do with our bodies—like picking our noses. Toddlers do both. They are wired to touch their bodies everywhere and repeat touching where they find pleasure. Little boys and girls quickly discover that their "private parts" feel really good to touch. As children grow, wise parents gently teach that touching some places of our bodies isn't appropriate to do in public. And they teach their kids not to pick their noses in public either.
But why does picking your nose have an embarrassing but non-moral stigma, while masturbation has become laden with tremendous guilt and shame? While there is nothing inherently wrong with touching yourself to experience pleasure, masturbation becomes a moral issue because it involves sexuality. Sexuality has intrinsic moral implications. Does that mean that masturbation is always immoral? I don't think so. Here are a few questions that can help you evaluate the issue given your personal circumstances.
1. What are you thinking about?
While masturbation itself isn't immoral, the sexual fantasies that usually go with it may be. Most women only masturbate when they are thinking about or looking at something sexual. Sexual fantasies about someone you are not married to are, as Jesus stated, "adultery of the heart."
"But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman [or man] with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matthew 5:28)
If you are single, fantasizing even about some fictional sexy guy is promoting lustful thoughts. If you are married and fantasizing about another man, you are violating, in your mind and heart, your promise to give yourself sexually only to your husband. On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with a married woman fantasizing about her own husband.
Let’s be clear, masturbation is an act of instant, self-gratification. It is quite the opposite of the self-control that is taught in the Bible. Self-control is freedom from our passions, a gift from God, and a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23).
Ah, the dreaded M-word, masturbation. It has become a hot topic in the Christian community, and, at the same time, it is still very taboo. Our culture refuses to talk about it and those who do assume we already know the definitive answer. We cannot have a healthy attitude about sexuality if we refuse to talk about it.
Why not elsewhere? Because the culture has not only embraced masturbation, it even has its own month to be celebrated. Planned Parenthood and Cosmo tell the masses to embrace their sexuality and enjoy masturbating because they can avoid STDs and unwanted pregnancy. But they neglect to state that sexual purity and abstinence do the same thing.
Before we dive in any further, let’s define what masturbation is. Masturbation is the experience of sexual orgasm produced by self-stimulation for sexual arousal and pleasure. There is an old joke, "98% of people masturbate, and the other two percent are lying." But here’s the deal friends; 98% is an exaggerated figure, in recent anonymous surveys, over 70% of men and over 40% of women admitted to having masturbated at some point in their lives. Let’s be clear, masturbation is an act of instant, self-gratification. It is quite the opposite of self-control that we are constantly reminded of in the Bible. Self-control is an act of obedience to our Holy God and a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) an act that requires restraint, sober-mindedness, and devotion to God.
Is Masturbation in the Bible?
Before we dive into answering if masturbation is really a sin or not, let's see where the Bible addresses it. Does Scripture even use the word "masturbate"?
1 Thessalonians 4:3-6 says, “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God.”
Proverbs 25:28 says, “A person without self-control is like a city with broken-down walls. But where in the Bible does it point to masturbation as a sin? Well, it doesn’t. The closest we can come, in that context, is sexual immorality and lust.
Let’s break these two concepts down before we move on. Sexual immorality is a sin. (Ephesians 5:3, Colossians. 3:5, 1 Thessalonians 4:3) Lust is a sin. (Proverbs 6:25, Matthew 5:28, 1 Peter 4:3). In the books where sexual immorality is outlined more clearly, it clearly defines who to sleep with or who not to sleep with (Leviticus 20: 10-21). God instructs his people not to have intercourse with animals (Leviticus 20:16). God tells men not to have intercourse with women during their menstruation period (Leviticus 20:18). What is the common denominator in all of these sexual acts? The sin of lust that happens to be intertwined with masturbation.
While the Bible may not directly address masturbation, the action that most leads to it and perpetuates it - lustful thoughts - are sinful.
Jesus talks of lust (Matthew 5:27-30) and in centuries past, lust was defined as a strong desire or craving, whether it be good or bad. Lust is desire without restraint and essentially that is what is happening with individuals who choose masturbation. Masturbation most often occurs when a person is thinking sexual thoughts about someone who is not his/her spouse. The "lust of the flesh" (1 John 2:16) is sin. Masturbation is simply the result of sin.
Men, we value how God created you. We value how you are the leaders of our homes. We cherish the fact you are our protectors and our warriors. We also acknowledge you were created differently. Especially in the realm of sex and your desires. You were wired as visual creatures. You are turned on by the beauty and curves of a woman. What God intended for good in our fallen world is twisted for evil, sick purposes in the form of pornography and sex trafficking.
God created you to orgasm by what is in front of your eyes. He also created the connection between sexual thoughts and orgasms. Therefore, in order to masturbate, it is necessary to get vivid and exciting thoughts or images into the mind. This can be done by pure imagination, by pictures, movies, stories, or real women. And dangerous enough, these images always involve women as sexual objects. This means masturbation can and will lead you down a dark road where you will treat women as objects instead of protecting and cherishing them as God intended.
Is Masturbation a Sin if You're Married?
Once again, we are treading into murky waters. What may be permissible for one person may not be for another. Masturbation is still masturbation if you aren’t with your spouse. However, for some couples, it is healthy when a woman touches herself while in the act of having sex. For women to climax and orgasm, the clitoris needs a lot of attention. It also happens to be placed above the vagina. Therefore, stimulation in the form of foreplay is required. The argument here could be showing your husband how to stimulate you that way. For some couples, wives stimulate themselves with their hands or showing their husbands how. However, for some, the use of a vibrator to stimulate the clitoris and provide more pleasure for the woman is viewed as healthy and good.
What about Phone Sex with My Spouse?
Where there tends to be shame associated with masturbation, the marriage bed was designed as a place where shame does not exist. God designed sex as a gift and what an amazing gift it is! With that said, the marriage bed should be honored, cherished, and enjoyed as the gift it is (Hebrews 13:4). The marriage bed is a place to be visited and enjoyed often (1 Corinthians 7:5) and it is the place where our souls intertwine, the place where unity happens — a place where two become one (Genesis 2:24). In other words, the marriage bed is a place for exploration, pleasure, unity, and delight.
And in this day and in age, our spouses travel, often for long periods of time. That’s not to say couples in the Bible didn’t deal with long-distance periods either, however, they didn’t have cellphones and Facetime either. We begin to tread into murky waters. What may be healthy for one couple may not be healthy for another because phone sex (aka masturbating together) could open pandora’s box to masturbation alone, lustful fantasies of other people, and pornography. However, for some couples, it is a part of their healthy sex life.
What Does This Mean for Us Today?
Masturbation is a tough topic to tackle. It's the cause of guilt and shame and is still oh-so-very taboo. If you're struggling with this issue, talk to someone. Talk to a counselor, a pastor, or a trusted friend who is rooted in God’s word. If you’re married, definitely have a conversation with your spouse. God’s word says nothing specifically about masturbation. This gives us freedom within the boundaries of, possibly, marriage for it to have a place in our lives. And even then, we must tread carefully. Here are some Biblical principles we can apply when considering the questionable activity of masturbation.
Bible Verses about Self-Control
A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls. (Proverbs 25:28)
Since an overseer manages God’s household, he must be blameless—not overbearing, not quick-tempered, not given to drunkenness, not violent, not pursuing dishonest gain. Rather, he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined. (Titus 1:7-8)
The end of all things is at hand; therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers. (1 Peter 4:7)
For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace(Romans 6:14).
For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1)
Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God. (1 Peter 2:16)
